I looked around with an almost furtive glance, clutching the garment Ollie had chosen for me close to my breast. Everywhere my gaze rested, a shimmer of pearly bosom, a glimpse of bronzed thigh, ebony lace swiftly concealing a delicate puckering of pink nipple. A frisson of excitement that crackled in the scented air. One girl after another hurrying to clothe herself in the fantasy garment that would transform their everyday life into something dark, sensual, infinitely thrilling, alive with a thousand possibilities.

And there I stood, alone, shrouded in a cloak of despair. And at the same time, a part of me knew that in different circumstances, I too, would share in the stirring of desire, the flowering of need and want that was almost tangible around me.

I sighed. Pull yourself together, Jade, I told myself. Think about Ricky. You’re doing this for him. Nothing else matters. Ricky, Ricky, Ricky…

I allowed my carefully chosen skirt and top drop to the floor. I unhooked my bra, and stepped out of the big knickers that I’d strategically worn. For a few seconds I was naked and felt the gaze of several eyes travelling along my skin. Goose pimples arose and I shivered. Closing out everything around me, I eased my flesh into the tiny bustier Ollie had handed over. I caught a glimpse in the mirror. Beaded bronze lace seemed to conceal while simultaneously revealing more than I cared to display. The half cups of the wired bra lifted my breasts, causing them to swell into rounded globes while leaving nipples that had hardened with the chill of the air and my own nervousness, lasciviously exposed. I tugged at the fabric but to no avail.

The pants were cut high like a g-string fully revealing the roundness of my buttocks. There was certainly no way of covering that part of my anatomy, much as I tried.

A soft laugh behind me made me turn quickly to a face that was alive with humour. A toss of auburn curls and a warm touch of fingertips glancing against the skin of my arm.

‘You’re first time?’

I couldn’t speak, just nodded twice.

‘You’ll be fine.’ She turned away and headed towards the door. ‘You look so beautiful. You don’t have to worry.’

Her look was alluring and strangely inviting.

I watched her elegant gait as she left, covering her eyes with a shimmering diamante mask. I suddenly realised why my nervousness was building, building. Every single woman wore a mask. Exquisite creations of feathers, sequins and jewels. I searched through the bag that Ollie had handed over. Nothing at all. No mask for me. The absolute bastard! He was taking his revenge in every way that he could. I began to understand the intricacies of Ollie’s quite evil mind. I was to be left exposed, completely bare compared to everyone else, totally recognisable, absolutely naked.

I hated Ollie with a sudden fierce passion. I would not let him win, though. I lifted my head, pushed my shoulders back and walked through the door.

He was waiting right outside. Maybe he thought I might try to escape. I watched as his eyes travelled up and down my body. My flesh seemed to shrink from his eyes and I had to steel myself to face him.

‘Jade. Perfect. I can tell you’re ready.’

‘Ready for what?’

‘For absolutely anything and everything.’

Perhaps I should have followed my instincts and run away but right at that moment, I wasn’t to know what awaited me.

Jade Williams
Author of Body and Soul

4 February 2009

I dressed with some care, even though Ollie had given no specific instruction about what I needed to wear. A time, a location and no further questions answered. Nevertheless, even though the night was close to sweltering, I attempted to cover as much skin as possible.

As I walked towards the rendezvous, I buried any signs of nervousness since I’d already convinced myself that I had no choice at all but to go through with this. I felt cold, physically and mentally. Weirdly, I didn’t even feel anger towards Ollie – just a steely detachment, as if I were outside of my body, watching someone else going through the paces. I certainly didn’t want to think about what might lie ahead. I had every reason to distrust and, maybe, fear Ollie. But I had to bury such thoughts; the prize would, I felt sure, be worth whatever I would have to endure.

Once again, he was waiting for me. Darkly attractive still, he smiled as he looked me up and down. And then he threw back his head and with a roar of amused laughter, walked towards me and took my hand. There was no point in pulling away.

‘Just a little overdressed, maybe?’

I didn’t reply and I sure as hell didn’t know what he found so amusing.

A long queue waited to enter the venue, a large warehouse-type anonymous building in the East End of London and Ollie put an arm around my shoulder to steer me towards the end of the line. Couples all around us chattered affectionately, an air of excitement filling the air. Ollie’s hand snaked around my waist as he drew me close and I stiffened, all my instincts telling me to run. ‘Ricky, Ricky, Ricky’ was the mantra that kept me sane and determined. We inched towards the entrance where burly security guards checked tickets, causing this unbearable delay. This was like some megastar concert, but I didn’t think Ollie was taking me to hear my favourite singer.

‘Excited?’ Ollie asked, whispering close to my ear.

‘Do you really expect me to be?’

‘You just need to get into the mood. Don’t worry – I’ve thought of everything. Every little detail.’

I didn’t like the sound of that but as I looked around me at the completely normal-looking people chattering excitedly, I began to relax. What was there to fear? What could Ollie get up to in the midst of so many people? Maybe I was getting a little excited. This could be a fun evening, but then what would be in it for Ollie?

Ollie produced a pair of embossed tickets that looked quite impressive. And then we were inside, part of the bustle. I looked around at a foyer with unexpected gold pillars draped with dark blue velvet curtains, swirls of incense smoke swaying in a gentle breeze. Stars seemed to twinkle against the indigo ceiling and I was drawn in, enchanted by the fairy-tale environment.

And then Ollie handed me a carrier bag. He pointed me towards an arch labelled ‘Ladies’ Changing Room’. He laughed again and headed towards the corresponding male changing room. I stood transfixed until an irresistible bustle forced me towards the arch. I looked around. Women, excitedly, expectantly, changing from their workday wear into apparel more suitable to what they knew was to come. Open-mouthed, I watched. Bared breasts, some peaked with expectancy. A knee lifted, fingers smoothing rouge onto shiny pussy lips. A topiaried heart of pubic hair glistening with desire. And in one corner, a small group unable to resist a touch, a caress, a swirl of finger, thumb or tongue. A portrait that, try as I would, I couldn’t resist. My own fingers edged towards the swell of my nipples but I stopped as I felt the weight of the carrier bag that reminded me of Ollie’s intentions.

I opened it and lifted out a gossamer shiver of almost nothingness. Now I understood why he’d laughed. Ollie knew my vulnerability. He understood my secret, dark desire to be watched. But this might be going too, too far. What could I do?

Jade Williams
Author of Body and Soul

Read Jade's previous blogs:

May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009